Monday, January 28, 2008

No. 4: Osama bin Laden... cave dweller

Possible Bin Laden Comeback Videos

“BREAK ON ME.” In this Swedish-inspired story of young love, Osama and his girlfriend (Ashley Tinsdale, from “High School Musical”) become trapped in a two-dimensional comic book world. As time winds down, their only escape is to destroy the White House.

“ALLAH’S SLEDGEHAMMER.” A nonstop sequence of claymation, in which Osama’s beard changes from fruits to vegetables to grenades, before exploding in a fireball. CIA analysts say that when he sings, “Show me ‘round your fruit cage, and I will be your honey bee,” it refers to terror cells currently in the United States.

“GRIDS ON FILM.” From its opening, with two negligee-clad models pillow-fighting around a whipped cream-covered stripper pole, Osama leads us on a leash through his private world of cave man fetishes. We meet a man-horse, iced nipples and many female mud-wrestlers. If this is his coded call for the big attack, get to the cellar now!

Backed by a band of mini-skirted robotic models, barely plucking their musical props, bin Laden comes off as Mr. Cool Incarnate, staring into the camera lens and delivering each line with a fierce, white hot intensity. Yes, we infidels must die. But do our hearts really have to sweat?

Osama and three lieutenants perform an outrageous treadmill choreography: They “skate,” they “swim,” they launch imaginary mortars. In the closing sequence, as the World Trade Center collapses, you’ll watch in amazement and wonder, “How did they do that in those robes!”

“BLOODY HOLLY.” Weaving his call for jihad into footage from the 1980s hit TV show “Happy Days,” bin Laden takes viewers on an angry tour of America’s past. The highlight comes as Henry “the Fonz” Winkler, through deft editing, bombs Arnold’s Diner into ashes, prompting the greased-back bin Laden to yell, “He-e-e-y, that’s jumping the shark!”

Stripped naked and toned, Osama spends the full four minutes writhing sensuously and letting the camera explore his mythic White Negro religious fantasies. He’s never “bin” hotter.

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