TICKER: ONE DAY LEFT

FINAL FOUR LOOMING... BUSHISMS V. COULTERISMS? CHENEY V. OSAMA IN CAVE MATCH-UPS?... ROVE, O'REILLY, TOURING IOWA FOR SUPPORT... VOTE. NOW.

TICKER: OSAMA TAPE COMING?

SOURCES: BIN LADEN IN STUDIO, MAKING "CLOSING ARGUMENT" TO VOTERS... BUSH, CHENEY CONFIDENT ABOUT SURGE... CRAIG TAPPINGS GROWING WEAKER?... COULTER V. BUSH IN SEMI-FINALS?... WHERE IS ROVE?... IS GONZALES LISTENING ANYMORE?... TWO DAYS TO VOTE... NOW.

FLASHBACK: 1994

CONTRACT WITH AMERICA MEETS FOREST GUMP.

You elected Newt Gingrich: House Speaker, author, lecturer and lifelong Presidential wannabee.

In 1994, with the GOP in control of Congress, Newt's Contract for America offered some good ideas:

1. All laws that apply to the rest of the country would apply to Congress.

2. All committee meetings be open to the public.

3. A balanced federal budget.

Somehow, it got churned into killing health care reform, shutting down the government a few days, and spending $35 million to investigate a blow job.

Newt spent two years prosecuting Bill Clinton for his secret Gettyjerk Address to Monica.

In 2007, we learned that throughout the period when good Christian Newt was hammering Clinton, loyal husband Newt was also hammering a hot young staffer.

What an asshole.

You elected him AHOY.

You knew what you were doing.

FLASHBACK: 1991

DAVID DUKE BECOMES AHOY ONE-HIT WONDER.


That year, he ran unsuccessfully for governor of Louisiana, winning the majority of white voters. In 1992, he'd run for President. (Also unsuccessfully.) He'd do prison time for mail fraud, then go to Russia to promote his humanitarian cause of anti-Semitism. In 2006, he turned up in Iran, claiming the Holocaust never happened.

He probably claims AHOY never happened.





He claims to be the world's most famous racist.

What an asshole.


You voted him in.



You called that one right.

Special to AHOY: The Year in Review

No, not the one you're thinking of...

Let’s go back to when our nation last prepared for a big election… 2003. A little timeline, in case you forgot...

Jan. 28: In State of the Union address, George W. Bush says Saddam Hussein recently tried to buy uranium from Africa for nuclear bombs.

Feb. 4: Fox News host Bill O’Reilly tells Jeremy Glick, anti-war son of a 9/11 victim, his dead dad would be ashamed of him. Interview ends with O’Reilly shouting, “Shut up. Shut up…Cut his mic. I’m not going to dress you down anymore, out of respect for your father.”

Feb. 5: U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell tells United Nations that Saddam has links to al-Qaeda and weapons of mass destruction.

Feb. 10: O'Reilly guarantees victory in Iraq. "Once the United States and Britain unleash, it's maybe hours."

Feb. 15: Millions march worldwide against war.

Feb. 26: O’Reilly tells peace movement: “Once the war against Saddam begins, we expect every American to support our military, and if they can't do that, to shut up… Just fair warning to you, Barbra Streisand."

March 9: In bar, O’Reilly allegedly tells associate producer Andrea Mackris and college friend, “Boy, I would have had fun with you two!” and suggests a three-way.

March 17: Bush gives Saddam 48 hours to resign or face U.S. invasion.

March 18: O’Reilly tells Good Morning America: “If the Americans go in and overthrow Saddam Hussein and it’s clean, he has nothing, I will apologize to the nation, and I will not trust the Bush administration again.”

March 19: U.S. launches predawn “decapitation” air strikes on Saddam’s palaces.

March 21: Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh says, "I'm not messing with people who want to say this attack is illegal, it's not warranted, it's not justified…. Take your propaganda to somebody else."

March 24: Limbaugh buys 60 tablets of Norco, an addictive painkiller, from one of his four prescription-writing doctors.

March 28: Limbaugh says, “Even I thought it would take the mainstream media more than a week to attempt to undermine the war effort. I didn't think it would happen this soon.''

April 2: Army forces rescue Pfc. Jessica Lynch from hospital in Nasiriya. Story appears on covers of Time and Newsweek.

April 7: Limbaugh says, "We're discovering WMDs all over Iraq… Our troops have found dozens of barrels of chemicals in an agricultural facility 30 miles northwest of Baghdad."

April 9: U.S. forces take Baghdad. Crowd topples statute of Saddam. Looters pillage National Museum of Iraq.

April 15: Limbaugh buys 84 Norco tablets.

April 22: O’Reilly, citing continued WMD search, gives himself an extension on his national apology: “A month from today, we’ll do this story again.”

April 23: Limbaugh says report shows Iraq disposed of weapons before invasion: “What it means is, that Saddam or his agents knew in advance where the UN was going.”

April 24: Limbaugh buys 180 Norco tablets.

May 1: Limbaugh buys 90 tablets of OxyContin, a highly addictive painkiller.

May 1: On aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln, Bush calls Iraq a success. Banner says, “Mission Accomplished.”

May 15: Limbaugh buys 96 Norco tablets.

May 27: Limbaugh buys 50 anti-anxiety Xanax tablets and 64 Norco tablets.

Sometime in May: Over dinner, O’Reilly allegedly propositions Mackris and friend, tells of wild Scandinavian airline hostesses and a Thai sex show “girl” who showed him things in a back room that “blew (his) mind;” he also suggests a three-way and asks for phone sex.

May 31: O’Reilly clashes with comic Al Franken at book expo, yelling, “Shut up! You had your 35 minutes! Shut up!”

June 2: Limbaugh buys 30 tablets of Lorcet, a painkiller similar to Norco.

June 3: Limbaugh buys 240 Norco tablets.

June 10: Limbaugh buys 30 tablets of Lorcet.

June 16: Limbaugh buys 21 tablets of Clonidine, an agent often used to counter effects of stimulants.

June 18: Limbaugh buys 100 Norco tablets.

June 19: Limbaugh tells listeners Simon & Schuster is lying about runaway sales of Hillary Clinton’s book, “Living History” because publisher is run by liberals.

June 26: International Atomic Energy Agency says Iraq had no active nuclear program.

June 27: Limbaugh buys 30 Clonidine and 40 Lorcet tablets.

June 30: Limbaugh buys 100 Norco tablets.

July 6: Former ambassador Joseph Wilson says Iraq did not try to buy uranium from Niger, as Bush claimed in State of the Union address.

July 8: Limbaugh buys 88 Norco tablets.

July 7: White House concedes mistake in Bush’s State of the Union speech.

July 10: Sales of Hillary Clinton's book surpass 1 million copies.

July 14: Columnist Robert Novak writes that Valerie Plame, wife of Joseph Wilson, is a CIA operative, effectively ending her career.

July 14: Limbaugh says he’s joining ESPN’s Sunday Night Football. Also, he buys 30 Clonidine tablets.

July 22: Saddam’s sons, Uday and Qusay, killed in Mosul palace firefight. To prove their deaths, Pentagon releases photographs of corpses’ faces.

July 30:. Bush, admitting mistake in State of the Union speech, says, “I take personal responsibility for everything I say, absolutely.”

July 31: National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice says she takes “personal responsibility” for mistake in Bush’s speech.

Aug. 6: Limbaugh buys 40 Hydrocodone tablets.

Aug. 11: Limbaugh buys 60 Norco tablets.

Aug. 18: Limbaugh buys 60 Norco tablets.

Aug. 29: Limbaugh buys 240 tablets of Hydrocodone, a highly addictive painkiller.

Sept. 7: Bush asks Congress for $87 billion to fund the Iraq war.

Sept. 8: Limbaugh tells listeners the World Tribune, “one of the papers in the United Kingdom,” says Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction have been found in Lebanon. The World Tribune turns out to be a web site based in Falls Church, Virginia, which offers special reports on UFOs.

Sept. 15: Limbaugh buys 36 Clonidine tablets.

In September: Over dinner, O’Reilly allegedly begs Mackris for phone sex.

Sept. 24: O’Reilly asks Condoleezza Rice if he should apologize to the country because no WMD has been found in Iraq. She says, “No, Bill, you don't have to apologize,” and notes that U.S. inspector David Kay is still searching.

Sept. 26: Limbaugh buys 120 Hydocodone tablets and 30 tablets of Kadian, an addictive painkiller.

Sept. 28: On ESPN, Limbaugh says the liberal media goes easy on Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb because he is black.

Oct. 2: U.S. chief weapons inspector David Kay says there are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

Oct. 1: Limbaugh resigns from ESPN due to controversy over McNabb comments.

Oct. 2: The National Enquirer reports Limbaugh is target of prescription drug probe.

Oct. 5: White House insists that neither Presidential advisor Karl Rove, nor Vice President Chief of Staff I. Lewis Libby, leaked Plame’s name.

Oct. 6: Bush calls Plame leak ''a criminal action'' and vows to find the source.

Oct. 8: O’Reilly storms off National Public Radio’s “Fresh Air” because interviewer Terry Gross doesn’t stick to discussing his new book, “Who’s Looking Out for You?”

Oct. 10: Limbaugh tells listeners he’s hooked on painkillers and is going into rehab.

Nov. 17: Out of rehab, Limbaugh returns to radio show.

Nov. 25: Limbaugh’s office searched in “doctor shopping” drug probe.

Dec. 13: U.S. troops capture Saddam outside Tikrit. Bush tells country, “A dark and painful era is over.”

Mid-December: Over dinner, O’Reilly allegedly brags to Mackris that he’s had phone sex with other women. He asks her for phone sex.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... WON'T YOU PLEASE WELCOME... THE 2004 AHOY...

MISTER DONALD RUMSFELD!

I’LL NEVER FORGET THAT NIGHT THREE YEARS AGO, WHEN HOST VINCENT PRICE CALLED MY NAME, HANDED ME THE SCEPTER AND LED ME TOWARD THE AHOY RUNWAY... IT WAS TRUE SHOCK AND AWE, THE GREATEST KNOWN UNKNOWN OF MY LIFE.
RIGHT NOW, I CAN TELL YOU FROM EXPERIENCE THAT THE BUTTERFLIES ARE FLUTTERING INSIDE OUR EIGHT FINALISTS. THEY STAYED UP LAST NIGHT, POLISHING THEIR MOVES, WORRYING ABOUT UNKNOWN UNKNOWNS, WONDERING IF THEY HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE THE ASS HOLE OF THE YEAR.

BUT IT ALL COMES DOWN TO YOU, THE GENERAL PUBLIC. THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

I URGE YOU TO VOTE AND TO CONVINCE OTHERS TO VOTE. AFTER ALL, MY GOODNESS, THIS IS STILL A DEMOCRACY.

AND NOW, AND MAY THE BEST ASSHOLE WIN!

WAR ON CHRISTMAS FAILS

CHRISTMAS WINS!

(Ok, enough celebrating. Start preparing for next year's war.)

In the meantime, ladies and gentlemen, meet your ANAL EIGHT!

You elected them. Beginning tomorrow, they will be pitted against each other, naked, in the AHOY ULTIMATE OCTOGON!

MIGHTY TREES FALL IN THE FOREST

AND, LO, THE WORLD SHALL HEAR...

OJ... CHOPPED.

BONDS... SPLASHDOWN.

RUSH... DITTO.

VICK... PUT TO SLEEP.

EIGHT GIANTS OF THE ASS HOLE WORLD HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED.

THE ANAL EIGHT MATCHUPS, COMING WEDNESDAY...

SOON, IT SHALL BE EIGHT

TONIGHT, WE FILL OUR BAGS WITH ROUND 3 RESULTS AND DROP THEM DOWN THE CHIMNEYS OF ALL AHOY VOTERS, WHETHER THEY'VE BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE, BECAUSE WE DO NOT DISCRIMINATE.


BUT NO AHOYING ON CHRISTMAS.


WEDNESDAY, ROUND 4: THE AHOY ULTIMATE FIGHTING HEAD-TO-HEAD TOURNAMENT BEGINS.
IN THE MEANTIME, CHECK OUT OUR STOCKING STUFFER GIFT... FROM AHOY TO YOU.

Merry Christmas from AHOY

A stocking stuffer from us to you...
Click on it, print it, as good as new!

FLASHBACK: 1985... THE YEAR OF RAMBO

That's Sylvester Stallone, brother of Frank, with his then-beautiful wife Brigitte Nielson, posing with President Reagan and her then-live husband, Ron.

Brigitte later noogied former NY Jet "sack-dancer" Mark Gastineau, hooked up with enough hairy bartenders to supply a U.S. Army division, staggered in and out of rehab, and finally ended her magnificent freefall with the gold-nuggeted grin of 2007 soulmate, Flavor Flav.

Sly is still making movies and working out. Last February, he pre-empted Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens by being arrested in Austrailia with 48 vials of Human Growth Hormone. Sly pleaded guilty, paid $10,000 and released this statement:" I have never supported the use of illegal drugs or engaged in any illegal activities in my entire life. ...I wish to express my deepest remorse and again apologize for my actions."

You voted him AHOY. You knew what you were doing.

FLASHBACK: WHEN WE HAD SADDAM TO KICK AROUND

1990: Saddam ruled.

Eleven years later, he hit the comeback trail, placing 8th in 2001 ("springtime for hitler"), 5th in 2002 ("death to smoochy"), 3rd in 2003 ("spiderman.") In 2004, nearing the end of his AHOY rope, he fell off the list. Let us pay tribute to the man, the AHOY, the human geopolitical punching bag, who was always there for America, bellowing empty threats, embodying incompetent evil, raising fists at our approaching bombers and birthing a new literary genre: the dictator-written bad Islamic romance novel.

May he forever hang, head attached, in our Brown Memories Gallery.

TICKER: CAN OJ WIN WITHOUT KILLING?

SCOUTS SAY HEISMAN AHOYSMAN ('96, ON RIGHT) HAS LOST EDGE. INSISTS ONE, "WITHOUT A DOUBLE-HOMICIDE, HE'S JESSICA SIMSON!"... LIMBAUGH TAILING ROVE'S BEHIND... CRAIG, RUDY, WOLFY GROPING FOR WILD CARD... VOTE. NOW.

TICKER: COULD OSAMA COME BACK?

FEARS OF OSAMA SURFACE; WILL TWO-TIME WINNER ('01,'02) RELEASE ELECTION EVE TAPE? "HE CANNOT BE TRUSTED," SAYS UNNAMED CANDIDATE. (OSAMA'S 2001 EDITION FEATURED.)

TICKER

WORLD WATCHING IN HORROR AS TITANS GRAPPLE... COULTER, O'REILLY, BUSH, CHENEY LEAD HEATS... HISTORIC THIRD-ROUND FIELD INCLUDES FOUR FORMER A.H.O.Y.'S (OJ, BUSH, LIMBAUGH, OSAMA)... CRAIG SITTING PRETTY... BALLOTING TO CLIMAX CHRISTMAS EVE.

THE SPHINCTER SIXTEEN... PLUS ONE

MY FELLOW AMERICANS...IT SEEMS LIKE JUST YESTERDAY, WHEN I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO WALK THE RUNWAY WEARING THE COVETED CROWN OF 1974 AHOY.
.
TODAY, I'M JUST A BROWN MEMORY, HEH-HEH. NEVERTHELESS, I AM PROUD TO STAND BEFORE YOU AND SAY...

"AHOY THERE!"

WE'RE GOING TO ELECT A NEW ASS HOLE OF THE YEAR!
.
DUE TO A TIE IN ROUND 2, THE FIELD NOW STANDS AT 17!
.
ON CHRISTMAS EVE, IT WILL BE REDUCED TO EIGHT.
.
I URGE YOU TO VOTE. I BEG YOU TO VOTE. BECAUSE SOME LUCKY MAN OR WOMAN RIGHT NOW IS DREAMING OF HEARING THOSE MAGIC WORDS...
.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, GREET YOUR NEW REIGNING "ASS HOLE OF THE WORLD."
.
BECAUSE ONLY IF YOU HAVE BEEN IN THE DEEPEST VALLEY CAN YOU EVER KNOW HOW MAGNIFICENT IT IS TO BE THE AHOY.
.
MAY GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU,
.
RN

VOTE CLOSES NOON TODAY

4 PM E.S.T.

VOTE. NOW.

ROUND THREE VOTE FOR SPHINCTER SIXTEEN STARTS TOMORROW.

TICKER

IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME!

ONE DAY.

THE ROVE VS. THE INCREDIBLE TRUMP!... IS MITT FADING? ... WILL RUPE REWRITE RUDY?... CAT GOT IMUS' TONGUE?... COULD CHENEY GO 17-0?

VOTE!

TICKER

TWO DAYS LEFT TO VOTE...

CRAIG & VICK TOE-TO-TOE IN DOGFIGHT... WOLFOWITZ WAR PLAN FINALLY WORKING... O'REILLY V. ROVE: AHOY SUPERBOWL PREVIEW?... MITT FLOUNDERING IN IOWA, AHOY... BRITNEY: TIME RUNNING OUT TO GET STINKIN' DRUNK AND PUKE BUZZER-BEATER HEADLINES... TELL YOUR FRIENDS: VOTE, VOTE, VOTE..

AHOY TICKER

THREE DAYS LEFT IN ROUND TWO... BUSH: "SURGE IS WORKING".... NUKELESS IRANIAN TACKLING WIFELESS OJ... COULTER: "THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS OF AHOY?"... CLARENCE THOMAS FACING ANOTHER HILL HE CAN'T CLIMB... LARRY CRAIG TAPPING AT VICK'S HEELS... DOG LOSING STEAM: MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY?... DEVELOPING...

ROUND TWO TICKER...

VLAD "PUTIN" DOWN RUPERT... "LI'L KIM" GOING NUCLEAR OVER COMEBACK KID WOLFY... RUSH RUSHES TO BIG LEAD OVER BECK... RUDY, HUGO, CONDI IN HELLISH THREE-WAY... BARRY HOPES ROID REPORT CAN OUTMUSCLE CHAMP LEG-PRESSER PAT ROBERTSON... PARIS, BRITNEY LACKING AHOY LEGS?

ROUND TWO WRAP

OUT: HILLARY, DOBBS, OPRAH, LINDSAY, SIMON, DRUDGE, KATIE, ROSIE & BERNIE.

IN: THE 34 BIGGEST ASS HOLES ON EARTH

THE DIRTY-THIRTY-TWO, PLUS CHO

Based on popular opinion and the desire to appear more moral than we actually are, AHOY is adding one extra slot to the eighth heat, the West Virginia massacre nutjob who should have been in Round One. It’s like the Washington Redskins lining up for the opening play without their beloved safety, who got shot in the groin. It’s emotional. We’re doing it to show we’re good folk. Like you.

Not like the animals to your left.

We're also letting both Don Imus and Rupert Murdoch, who tied in Heat 8, into the next round.

.
So vote, already. IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME.

WE ARE BOILING IT DOWN TO THE SPHINCTER SIXTEEN.

Remember: When the AHOYing gets tough, the tough get AHOYing.

AHOY TICKER

AS OF 6 A.M....

HEAT 8 DEADLOCKED: IMUS AND MURDOCH DEAD EVEN, CHAVEZ LEADING BY TWO, FEARING SECOND LOSS THIS WEEK...

11: DC'S LIBBY AND KOREA'S KIM TOO CLOSE TO CALL...

12: ELLEN, MOONVES, PAUL, MANNY WITHIN SPITTING DISTANCE...

14, HILLARY CLOSING ON ROMNEY; MITT GOES NEGATIVE.

TOP DOG VICK SEALS TOP SEED WITH COURT APPEARANCE.

WAR IN IRAQ OVER.

POLLS CLOSE AT NOON. ROUND TWO LAUNCHES WEDNESDAY.

QUESTIONS TO AHOY

Dear AHOY

How in the name of West Virginia could you leave Seung-Hui Cho off the ballot?

EB


Dear EB,

You are right. We were wrong. Cho deserves a shot.

Therefore, because we're not afraid to admit a mistake, we will insert Cho into Round 2, placing him in a heat with five candidates, instead of four. From then on, he must earn his keep.

Yes, Virginia, there is an AHOY.

FIRST ROUND VOTE ENDS NOON TUESDAY

Six races still too close to call.

Heat 5 (I. Thomas/Wolfowitz)

Heat 7 (Ailes, Lohan, Sharpton, Trump)

Heat 8 (Chavez, Imus, Murdoch, O'Donnell)

Heat 12 (Degeneres, Paul)

Heat 14 (H. Clinton, Romney)

Heat 15 (Dog, Thompson)

SECOND ROUND STARTS WEDNESDAY

'007 AHOY: Sixteen Heats and 96 Candidates

What a year! What a bunch'a holes!

WELL, IT'S PAYBACK TIME!

We have assembled 75 men & 21 women to begin the epic quest to determine who shall wear the coveted crown of brown...

YOUR '007 AHOY...

THE 33RD ANNUAL
ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR.

The voting begins NOW.

In each of these 16 heats of AHOY -- scientifically culled from the fields of sports, politics and infotainment -- just two will emerge to compete in Round II, "The Dirty Thirty-plus-Two."

From there, we shall boil it down to the SPHINCTER SIXTEEN.

Then the ANAL EIGHT.



VOTE NOW.

Go to each of the 16 heats and select the two (2) BUMS that you could have done without this year.

Yes, it's difficult. And next week, the vote will hurt more... as the competition heats up.

Since 1974, AHOY... the AssHole of the Year... has been doling out crap to the special people who made our lives miserable, celebrating each December the disgust and bile that rises within each of us whenever we are confronted by that one extraordinary asshole... the AHOY.

This is the chance for you... the general public, the fan, the little person, the no-name nebish, the wonk, the weenie, the loser... yes, you and us!... to set the record straight and elect the one person that we all could have done without in the Year of Our Lord 2007.

PASS THIS ON TO ANOTHER INTERESTED VOTER.

AHOY: DEMOCRACY'S LAST GREAT HOPE.

AHOY, Matey!

We're making our list and checking it twice.

Time for YOU to decide who was naughty and nice.

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

AHOY.

It was the best of times...


...it was the worst of times.