Wednesday, January 30, 2008

No. 1. George W. Bush....paperless voting works again


George Bush has been a drinker,
Frat house parties, seldom straight,
Never worried ‘bout the empties,
Dead soldiers, they accumulate.

Richard Cheney goes out hunting,
Drinks some brews, stays out late.
Leaves behind his empty bottles,
Dead soldiers, they accumulate.

Karl Rove loves his brewskies,
Diets so he keeps his weight.
Other folks collect the empties,
Dead soldiers, they accumulate.

It’s not easy, leading parties,
Especially when a war runs late,
Just remember, watch the empties,

Dead soldiers, they accumulate.

No. 2: Richard Cheney... no country for old men

CHENEY IN WONDERLAND

Bumping toward recession,
Market in despair,
Osama in the studio,
Giving us the stare.
Lebanon in crisis,
Rising Hezbollah,
Cheney in his Wonderland,
La-la-la-la-la.

Al-Malicki squirming,
Edging towards Tehran,
North Korea arming,
Diplomats withdrawn.
Chavez at his podium,
Shouting coup d’etat.
Cheney in his Wonderland,
La-la-la-la-la.

Climate turning warmer,
Ice caps turning wet.
China building steel plants,
Financing our debt.
Millions without health care,
Tempers growing hot,
Cheney in his Wonderland,
La-la-la-la-la.

Monday, January 28, 2008

No. 3: Ann Coulter... beauty and the beast

THIN ANNIE COULTER

Annie Coulter gained no weight,
Despite the many things she ate.

She stayed as skinny as a rail,
Although she dined on Cheney’s quail.

She thinned herself to 12-inch thighs,
Devouring Joe McCarthy’s lies.

She always stayed so very trim,
Yet ate Max Cleland’s missing limb.

She looked just like a stalk of hay,
But ate the bombs of Tim McVeigh.

She kept her weight so very low,
Yet ate the words of Tony Snow.

As slender as a cotton thread.
She feasted on Iraqi dead.

She just resembled skin and bones,
Yet ate the claims of Paula Jones.

Her arms were wires; and what’s more.
She ate her hate for Albert Gore.

She ate all Democratic lives.
She ate the nine-eleven wives.

Folks wondered how Ann kept her looks.
She crapped her hate into her books.

No. 4: Osama bin Laden... cave dweller


Possible Bin Laden Comeback Videos

“BREAK ON ME.” In this Swedish-inspired story of young love, Osama and his girlfriend (Ashley Tinsdale, from “High School Musical”) become trapped in a two-dimensional comic book world. As time winds down, their only escape is to destroy the White House.

“ALLAH’S SLEDGEHAMMER.” A nonstop sequence of claymation, in which Osama’s beard changes from fruits to vegetables to grenades, before exploding in a fireball. CIA analysts say that when he sings, “Show me ‘round your fruit cage, and I will be your honey bee,” it refers to terror cells currently in the United States.

“GRIDS ON FILM.” From its opening, with two negligee-clad models pillow-fighting around a whipped cream-covered stripper pole, Osama leads us on a leash through his private world of cave man fetishes. We meet a man-horse, iced nipples and many female mud-wrestlers. If this is his coded call for the big attack, get to the cellar now!

“ADDICTED TO SHOVE.”
Backed by a band of mini-skirted robotic models, barely plucking their musical props, bin Laden comes off as Mr. Cool Incarnate, staring into the camera lens and delivering each line with a fierce, white hot intensity. Yes, we infidels must die. But do our hearts really have to sweat?

“OK, BLOW!”
Osama and three lieutenants perform an outrageous treadmill choreography: They “skate,” they “swim,” they launch imaginary mortars. In the closing sequence, as the World Trade Center collapses, you’ll watch in amazement and wonder, “How did they do that in those robes!”

“BLOODY HOLLY.” Weaving his call for jihad into footage from the 1980s hit TV show “Happy Days,” bin Laden takes viewers on an angry tour of America’s past. The highlight comes as Henry “the Fonz” Winkler, through deft editing, bombs Arnold’s Diner into ashes, prompting the greased-back bin Laden to yell, “He-e-e-y, that’s jumping the shark!”

“LIKE A 40TH VIRGIN.”
Stripped naked and toned, Osama spends the full four minutes writhing sensuously and letting the camera explore his mythic White Negro religious fantasies. He’s never “bin” hotter.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

No. 5: Karl Rove... i'm not there.


THE KING IS DELIGHTED

The king is delighted.
Rove's not indicted!
Go tell the queen.
They found Karl clean!

The king is elated.
Somehow, Rove skated!
Go tell the speaker.
Karl's not the leaker!

The king is in clover.
Rove put one over!
Party tomorrow.
They didn't nab Karl!

The king’s in a flurry.
Rove fooled the jury!
Break out the ale.
Karl's skipping jail!

Feel the excitement.
No Rove indictment!
Everyone, sing.
Karl's still our king!

Friday, January 25, 2008

No. 6: Larry Craig... four corner stall

When pooping next to Larry Craig
Beware his outstretched, hairy leg.
You’d best assume a new position,
When he taps on your stall partition.

When pleading next to Larry Craig,
Ignore the outcome he might beg.
He might assume a new position,
And call your court an inquisition.

When running next to Larry Craig,
Forgive him if he lays an egg.
When he assumes a new position,
It’s just the GOP tradition.
LARRY CRAIG'S YEAR IN GOOGLE SEARCH VOLUME


Wednesday, January 23, 2008

No. 7: Bill O'Reilly... mild mannered reporter


FOX NEWS SPOKEN HERE

O'Reilly on the speakers,
Nixon souvenir,
Clintons on the dart board,
Fox News spoken here.

O'Reilly on the mantle,
White House logo gear,
Clintons on the toilet roll,
Fox News spoken here.

O'Reilly in the bookcase,
Cheney portrait near,
Clintons in the crosshairs.
Fox News spoken here.

Fox News on the TV.
Fox News on all year.
Fox News on around the clock.
Fox News spoken here.

Bill O'Reilly's year in Google searches.

No. 8: Alberto Gonzales... redacted



AL GONZALES SOUGHT A PACT



Al Gonzales sought a pact,
To keep detainee rules intact,
So he wrote with stately tact,
The “Happy Muslim Prisoner Act.”

He also wanted to transform
How undercover cops perform,
Where privacy is less the norm,
With “Happy Tapping Phones Reform.”

He sought to save their weary nation,
With “Enduring Freedom’s” operation,
So he put forth a new creation:
The “Happy War Rights Legislation.”

In fighting for a higher purpose,
He dismantled habeas corpus,
Thus wrote without internal rumpus
The “Happy Secret Trials Opus.”

He sought to do the best for all.
And keep his party standing tall,
The rest he’d lock behind a wall
With the “Happy War Forever Law.”

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

No. 9: Rush Limbaugh... babel



A RUSH BY ANY OTHER NAME *


'EL RUSHBO,' our nation’s great 'TRUTH DETECTOR,'
'THE MAHA RUSHIE,' our true fact collector,
'THE DOCTOR OF DEMOCRACY,' patriot squad,
Bequeathed to his Dittoheads 'TALENT FROM GOD.'

He said, “I have brought some new names for our friends,
“We will call Patrick Leahey 'SENATOR DEPENDS.'
“And there's, 'BELA PELOSI... MS. AMERICA, QUEEN BEE...'
“John Edwards, 'THE BRECK GIRL,' as seen on TV.

“There's 'OSAMA OBAMA;' Harry Reid’s 'DINGY HARRY,'
“And 'THE FRENCHURIAN CANDIDATE,' our 'JEAN-FRANCOIS KERRY,'
“'SANDY BURGLAR,' 'SHEETS BYRD' and 'MAUREEN AL-DOWD,
“And 'DAN BLATHER,' of the 'BLAME AMERICA CROWD.'

“And 'MRS. BILL CLINTON,' I haven’t forgotten,
“She's 'NURSE RATCHED,' or just 'HILLARY RODHAM-ROTTEN,'
“With husband 'SLICK WILLIE,' our 'PHILANDERER-IN-CHIEF,'
“Plus 'DUNG HEAP HARKIN!' We’ll give them such grief.

“In every exchange, use those names in rebukes,
“We’ll beat the FEMNAZIS, the WACKOS and KOOKS.
Then through the cheers, from a source not in view,
Came a voice, “What if somebody gives nicknames to you you?”

’'THREE-WIFE,' 'MR. AMERICA,' or maybe 'LEFT EAR,'
“'RUSH al-IMONY' or 'TRIPLEWIDE REAR.'
“'OSAMA LIMBAMA,' or 'OXYCON-TRAILS,'
“'RUSH HUDSON RICH-SON,' or 'MRS. ROGER AILES.'

“'DUNG HEAP LIMBAUGH!' Would that make sense?
“If we seek to make honest discussion commence?
“’Cause names are like guns on a firing squad,
“And what if they fired on Talent from God?”

The crowd went quiet, El Rushbo grew red.
“We’ll have more tomorrow,” the talk show host said.
And as both sides named names, instead of debate,
Could anyone ponder our ultimate fate?
*Names Rush has used on his shows.

Monday, January 21, 2008

10: O.J. Simpson....mister pink

IF I DID IT

If I did it, I’d commit it,
So the crime would leave no mess.
If I did it, I’d exhibit
Some compulsion to confess.

If I did it, I would pitch it
As a graphic, gory book,
If I did it, I’d revisit
Every slash my weapon took.

If I did it, I’d submit it,
Knowing all the guilt I’d feel,
If I did it, I would bid it
As a seven-figure deal.

If I did it, I would hit it:
How a killer sells his wares.
If I did it, I’d admit it,
Spill my guts, as I did theirs.

If I did it, which I didn’t!
I would carefully have planned it,
But if I DID do it, and you knew it,
Which of us, then, is the bandit?

Sunday, January 20, 2008

We have a winner: Rectal Report Coming Soon

In the meantime... a salute to the primaries.

I approve this message.
I approve this spot.
I can’t prove this message,
But it is all I’ve got.

I supplied this message,
Shelled out for the slot.
It’s all lies, this message,
But it is all I’ve got.

I condone this message.
Though proud of it, I’m not.
I’d disown this message,
But it is all I’ve got.

I approve this message.
Though it’s lies, I will concede.
I would remove this message,
But my rival’s got a lead.

I conceived this message.
It’s all I have to tell you.
If you believe this message,
I got a bridge to sell you.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Day Five: Father vs. Son

Bush v. Cheney... The AHOY Strikes Back

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Day 3: Dead Heat

FINALISTS DIGGING IN.




DAY 3: BUSH 51%;
CHENEY 49%

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Dick claws back!

DAY 1:
Bush 71%
Cheney 29%
DAY 2:
Bush 55%
Cheney 45%

Friday, January 11, 2008

FROM 96... DOWN TO TWO

FRIEND









VS.















FRIEND.





THEY'VE BEATEN ALL THE CONTENDERS.


THEY'VE DEMOLISHED THE ENTIRE WORLD.


NOW, THEY MUST BATTLE EACH OTHER.


VOTE. NOW. VOTE. NOW. VOTE. NOW.


Plus, take part in our Non-binding Exhibition Round Face-offs!

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Ladies and Gentlemen... won't you please welcome...

Five-time AHOY... "the Gipper..." Mister Ronald Reagan.


"Thank you, everyone. In five minutes, we start bombing AHOY.


"Heh heh. Just kidding. It's great to be back, hosting the greatest pageant democracy has to offer: The Ass Hole of the Year.


"What began in early December with 96 hopefuls has been distilled to two champions of the backside. Of course, there are no losers among this year's contestants, except for you -- the folks who had to deal with them.


"Before we get to the final pairing, I direct your attention to the special Non-Binding Exhibition Round, in which our grapplers will be battling for bragging rights -- and for momentum into next year's vote.

"And now... it's time to choose between the two biggest Ass Holes in the World:


George Bush or Dick Cheney?


"Because there is only one AHOY.


"God bless America. God bless the contestants. God bless the voters. And God damn AHOY."

SEMI-FINAL VOTE ENDS AT MIDNIGHT

And then...
WORLD WAR III.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

TICKER: IT'S WIN TODAY OR GO HOME

CRUNCH TIME FOR ANN AND BIN.


VOTE. TODAY. NOW.

Monday, January 07, 2008

TICKER: Skipping rope

ALTOGETHER NOW...

George Bush, standin’ ‘neath a tree,
P - I - S - S - I - N - G.
Drunk through Yale.
Here comes a belch!
What a great catch for Laura Welch!

Bill Clinton, standin’ neath a tree,
G - R - O - P - I - N - G.
Paula Jones.
Sure can spot’em!
What a great catch for Hillary Rodham!

Dick Cheney, standin’ 'neath a tree.
H - U - N - T - I - N - G.
Just one beer
It's all in fun!
What a great catch for Harry Whittington!

Osama bin Laden, standin’ 'neath a tree.
F - R - E - E - E - E - E.
How'd this happen!
What do we say!
What a huge scumbag, and he got away!

Saturday, January 05, 2008

TICKER: GUNFIGHT AT THE AHOY CORRAL


(RIGHT) COULTER PRACTICES ON AHOY VOTER.


(LEFT) BUSH PREPARES TO SHOOT DOWN HIJACKED PLANE.




MEANWHILE, CHENEY AND OSAMA COMPARE SIZES.





.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Thursday, January 03, 2008

QUESTIONS TO AHOY

BIG PAPPI RULES! asks: When the year started, who were you rooting for?

AHOY: We had hopes for the possibility of a President Brownback.

WOLFOWITTY asks: Who is the greatest AHOY of all time?

AHOY: In 1999, we set out to answer that question. We held the AHOC -- ASS HOLE Of the CENTURY -- and the AHOM -- ASS HOLE Of the MILLENIUM.

Here's how they turned out. THE AHOC.

THE AHOM.

THE COVER, based on the iconic USA women's soccer team photo of that year.


Tuesday, January 01, 2008

LADIES AND INFIDELS...

WON’T YOU PLEASE WELCOME ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF AHOY…
THE A-HOLE OF 1990... THE LATE GENERAL SADDAM HUSSEIN…!

"Thank you...

"Has it really been 17 years since I heard my sacred name shouted, that I had won the Mother of All Awards… the Ass Hole of the Year?

"It seems like only yesterday, back when I was bedding my wives, writing my romance novels and -- how do you say it? -- "punking" you American stupids with my "Acme Nuclear and Biological Weapons Program MegaCenter." Haheeeha! You believed it. Nannanannabooboo.


"Hey, guess where I stashed those nukes. In the capital of Pakistan. What? you say, Islamabad? Aww, it's not so bad, if you like sand-fleas! HAHEEHA! Sorry, old Paki joke. Hey, ever hear of the Pakistani Bob Marley? He sings, ‘Assad, Musharef, BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEP-U-TEEE.’ HAHEEHA. OK, forgive Supreme Ruler Saddam. Where were we?

"Yes, all serious now. The man who has my WMD is named Tural Lu-Ral. You say, 'Hm-hm, Tural Lu-Ral, eh?' THAT'S AN I-I-IRISH LULLABYE! HAHEEHA! Hm-mm. That joke go over like a Kurd in punchbowl.

"OK, serious now. You're wondering what to do about Iraq, right? How do you keep them crazy nutcases from killing each other? Here's the Saddam secret: Mass graves. And tongues. Cut them out at the roots. You gotta make these guys know who’s boss. Now and then, a few people gotta vanish, POOF. Dictating takes time. Shoot into crowds. Blow up towns. Control the media. Water-board! You guys can do this. I've seen you. You're getting the hang of it. THE HANG OF IT! HAHEEHA!

"OK, serious now, in the meantime, you gotta vote for AHOY.

"Back in 1990, whoowee, Saddam lucky not have to face top talents like these. George W. Bush! Dick Cheney! Ann Coulter! Osama bin Laden!

"So I say…

"TO JUNIOR, D-CHAIN, BONES AND BIN... win or lose, you are true assholes. In fact, we in Baghdad have a word for you, but I will not say it because, hey, I am dead! HAHEEHA!

"So, don’t lose your head. Vote. Now. Make your selection for that perfect man or woman. VOTE! NOW!"

TICKER: SOON, IT WILL BE FOUR

FAVORITES: BIN LADEN, BUSH, COULTER, CHENEY