"It seems like only yesterday, back when I was bedding my wives, writing my romance novels and -- how do you say it? -- "punking" you American stupids with my "Acme Nuclear and Biological Weapons Program MegaCenter." Haheeeha! You believed it. Nannanannabooboo.
"Hey, guess where I stashed those nukes. In the capital of Pakistan. What? you say, Islamabad? Aww, it's not so bad, if you like sand-fleas! HAHEEHA! Sorry, old Paki joke. Hey, ever hear of the Pakistani Bob Marley? He sings, ‘Assad, Musharef, BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEP-U-TEEE.’ HAHEEHA. OK, forgive Supreme Ruler Saddam. Where were we?
"Yes, all serious now. The man who has my WMD is named Tural Lu-Ral. You say, 'Hm-hm, Tural Lu-Ral, eh?' THAT'S AN I-I-IRISH LULLABYE! HAHEEHA! Hm-mm. That joke go over like a Kurd in punchbowl.
"OK, serious now. You're wondering what to do about Iraq, right? How do you keep them crazy nutcases from killing each other? Here's the Saddam secret: Mass graves. And tongues. Cut them out at the roots. You gotta make these guys know who’s boss. Now and then, a few people gotta vanish, POOF. Dictating takes time. Shoot into crowds. Blow up towns. Control the media. Water-board! You guys can do this. I've seen you. You're getting the hang of it. THE HANG OF IT! HAHEEHA!
"OK, serious now, in the meantime, you gotta vote for AHOY.
"Back in 1990, whoowee, Saddam lucky not have to face top talents like these. George W. Bush! Dick Cheney! Ann Coulter! Osama bin Laden!
"So I say…
"TO JUNIOR, D-CHAIN, BONES AND BIN... win or lose, you are true assholes. In fact, we in Baghdad have a word for you, but I will not say it because, hey, I am dead! HAHEEHA!
"So, don’t lose your head. Vote. Now. Make your selection for that perfect man or woman. VOTE! NOW!"