Five-time AHOY... "the Gipper..." Mister Ronald Reagan.
"Thank you, everyone. In five minutes, we start bombing AHOY.
"Heh heh. Just kidding. It's great to be back, hosting the greatest pageant democracy has to offer: The Ass Hole of the Year.
"What began in early December with 96 hopefuls has been distilled to two champions of the backside. Of course, there are no losers among this year's contestants, except for you -- the folks who had to deal with them.
"Before we get to the final pairing, I direct your attention to the special Non-Binding Exhibition Round, in which our grapplers will be battling for bragging rights -- and for momentum into next year's vote.
"And now... it's time to choose between the two biggest Ass Holes in the World:
George Bush or Dick Cheney?
"Because there is only one AHOY.
"God bless America. God bless the contestants. God bless the voters. And God damn AHOY."