We have a winner: Rectal Report Coming Soon

In the meantime... a salute to the primaries.

I approve this message.
I approve this spot.
I can’t prove this message,
But it is all I’ve got.

I supplied this message,
Shelled out for the slot.
It’s all lies, this message,
But it is all I’ve got.

I condone this message.
Though proud of it, I’m not.
I’d disown this message,
But it is all I’ve got.

I approve this message.
Though it’s lies, I will concede.
I would remove this message,
But my rival’s got a lead.

I conceived this message.
It’s all I have to tell you.
If you believe this message,
I got a bridge to sell you.

Polls close at Midnight

Bush v. Cheney: Your last chance...

AHOY FINAL DAY: BUSH OR CHENEY: WHO WANTS IT MORE?

Two Days Left: There Will Be Blood

Three Days Left: Gut Check Time

Day Five: Father vs. Son

Bush v. Cheney... The AHOY Strikes Back

Day 4: 54-46, Bush hanging on...

Day 3: Dead Heat

FINALISTS DIGGING IN.

DAY 3: BUSH 51%;

CHENEY 49%

Dick claws back!

DAY 1:

Bush 71%

Cheney 29%

DAY 2:

Bush 55%
Cheney 45%

FROM 96... DOWN TO TWO

FRIEND









VS.















FRIEND.

THEY'VE BEATEN ALL THE CONTENDERS.

THEY'VE DEMOLISHED THE ENTIRE WORLD.

NOW, THEY MUST BATTLE EACH OTHER.

VOTE. NOW. VOTE. NOW. VOTE. NOW.

Plus, take part in our Non-binding Exhibition Round Face-offs!

Ladies and Gentlemen... won't you please welcome...

Five-time AHOY... "the Gipper..." Mister Ronald Reagan.


"Thank you, everyone. In five minutes, we start bombing AHOY.


"Heh heh. Just kidding. It's great to be back, hosting the greatest pageant democracy has to offer: The Ass Hole of the Year.


"What began in early December with 96 hopefuls has been distilled to two champions of the backside. Of course, there are no losers among this year's contestants, except for you -- the folks who had to deal with them.


"Before we get to the final pairing, I direct your attention to the special Non-Binding Exhibition Round, in which our grapplers will be battling for bragging rights -- and for momentum into next year's vote.

"And now... it's time to choose between the two biggest Ass Holes in the World:


George Bush or Dick Cheney?


"Because there is only one AHOY.


"God bless America. God bless the contestants. God bless the voters. And God damn AHOY."

SEMI-FINAL VOTE ENDS AT MIDNIGHT

And then...

WORLD WAR III.

TICKER: IT'S WIN TODAY OR GO HOME

CRUNCH TIME FOR ANN AND BIN.

VOTE. TODAY. NOW.

TICKER: Skipping rope

ALTOGETHER NOW...

George Bush, standin’ ‘neath a tree,
P - I - S - S - I - N - G.
Drunk through Yale.
Here comes a belch!
What a great catch for Laura Welch!

Bill Clinton, standin’ neath a tree,
G - R - O - P - I - N - G.
Paula Jones.
Sure can spot’em!
What a great catch for Hillary Rodham!

Dick Cheney, standin’ 'neath a tree.
H - U - N - T - I - N - G.
Just one beer
It's all in fun!
What a great catch for Harry Whittington!

Osama bin Laden, standin’ 'neath a tree.
F - R - E - E - E - E - E.
How'd this happen!
What do we say!
What a huge scumbag, and he got away!

TICKER: GUNFIGHT AT THE AHOY CORRAL

(RIGHT) COULTER PRACTICES ON AHOY VOTER.

(LEFT) BUSH PREPARES TO SHOOT DOWN HIJACKED PLANE.

MEANWHILE, CHENEY AND OSAMA COMPARE SIZES.

.

QUESTIONS TO AHOY

BIG PAPPI RULES! asks: When the year started, who were you rooting for?

AHOY: We had hopes for the possibility of a President Brownback.

WOLFOWITTY asks: Who is the greatest AHOY of all time?

AHOY: In 1999, we set out to answer that question. We held the AHOC -- ASS HOLE Of the CENTURY -- and the AHOM -- ASS HOLE Of the MILLENIUM.

Here's how they turned out. THE AHOC.

THE AHOM.

THE COVER, based on the iconic USA women's soccer team photo of that year.

LADIES AND INFIDELS...

WON’T YOU PLEASE WELCOME ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF AHOY…

THE A-HOLE OF 1990... THE LATE GENERAL SADDAM HUSSEIN…!

"Thank you...

"Has it really been 17 years since I heard my sacred name shouted, that I had won the Mother of All Awards… the Ass Hole of the Year?

"It seems like only yesterday, back when I was bedding my wives, writing my romance novels and -- how do you say it? -- "punking" you American stupids with my "Acme Nuclear and Biological Weapons Program MegaCenter." Haheeeha! You believed it. Nannanannabooboo.

"Hey, guess where I stashed those nukes. In the capital of Pakistan. What? you say, Islamabad? Aww, it's not so bad, if you like sand-fleas! HAHEEHA! Sorry, old Paki joke. Hey, ever hear of the Pakistani Bob Marley? He sings, ‘Assad, Musharef, BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEP-U-TEEE.’ HAHEEHA. OK, forgive Supreme Ruler Saddam. Where were we?

"Yes, all serious now. The man who has my WMD is named Tural Lu-Ral. You say, 'Hm-hm, Tural Lu-Ral, eh?' THAT'S AN I-I-IRISH LULLABYE! HAHEEHA! Hm-mm. That joke go over like a Kurd in punchbowl.

"OK, serious now. You're wondering what to do about Iraq, right? How do you keep them crazy nutcases from killing each other? Here's the Saddam secret: Mass graves. And tongues. Cut them out at the roots. You gotta make these guys know who’s boss. Now and then, a few people gotta vanish, POOF. Dictating takes time. Shoot into crowds. Blow up towns. Control the media. Water-board! You guys can do this. I've seen you. You're getting the hang of it. THE HANG OF IT! HAHEEHA!

"OK, serious now, in the meantime, you gotta vote for AHOY.

"Back in 1990, whoowee, Saddam lucky not have to face top talents like these. George W. Bush! Dick Cheney! Ann Coulter! Osama bin Laden!

"So I say…

"TO JUNIOR, D-CHAIN, BONES AND BIN... win or lose, you are true assholes. In fact, we in Baghdad have a word for you, but I will not say it because, hey, I am dead! HAHEEHA!

"So, don’t lose your head. Vote. Now. Make your selection for that perfect man or woman. VOTE! NOW!"

TICKER: SOON, IT WILL BE FOUR

FAVORITES: BIN LADEN, BUSH, COULTER, CHENEY

TICKER: ONE DAY LEFT

FINAL FOUR LOOMING... BUSHISMS V. COULTERISMS? CHENEY V. OSAMA IN CAVE MATCH-UPS?... ROVE, O'REILLY, TOURING IOWA FOR SUPPORT... VOTE. NOW.