No. 1. George W. Bush....paperless voting works again

George Bush has been a drinker,
Frat house parties, seldom straight,
Never worried ‘bout the empties,
Dead soldiers, they accumulate.

Richard Cheney goes out hunting,
Drinks some brews, stays out late.
Leaves behind his empty bottles,
Dead soldiers, they accumulate.

Karl Rove loves his brewskies,
Diets so he keeps his weight.
Other folks collect the empties,
Dead soldiers, they accumulate.

It’s not easy, leading parties,
Especially when a war runs late,
Just remember, watch the empties,
Dead soldiers, they accumulate.

No. 2: Richard Cheney... no country for old men

CHENEY IN WONDERLAND

Bumping toward recession,
Market in despair,
Osama in the studio,
Giving us the stare.
Lebanon in crisis,
Rising Hezbollah,
Cheney in his Wonderland,
La-la-la-la-la.

Al-Malicki squirming,
Edging towards Tehran,
North Korea arming,
Diplomats withdrawn.
Chavez at his podium,
Shouting coup d’etat.
Cheney in his Wonderland,
La-la-la-la-la.

Climate turning warmer,
Ice caps turning wet.
China building steel plants,
Financing our debt.
Millions without health care,
Tempers growing hot,
Cheney in his Wonderland,
La-la-la-la-la.

No. 3: Ann Coulter... beauty and the beast

THIN ANNIE COULTER

Annie Coulter gained no weight,
Despite the many things she ate.

She stayed as skinny as a rail,
Although she dined on Cheney’s quail.

She thinned herself to 12-inch thighs,
Devouring Joe McCarthy’s lies.

She always stayed so very trim,
Yet ate Max Cleland’s missing limb.

She looked just like a stalk of hay,
But ate the bombs of Tim McVeigh.

She kept her weight so very low,
Yet ate the words of Tony Snow.

As slender as a cotton thread.
She feasted on Iraqi dead.

She just resembled skin and bones,
Yet ate the claims of Paula Jones.

Her arms were wires; and what’s more.
She ate her hate for Albert Gore.

She ate all Democratic lives.
She ate the nine-eleven wives.

Folks wondered how Ann kept her looks.
She crapped her hate into her books.

No. 4: Osama bin Laden... cave dweller

Possible Bin Laden Comeback Videos

“BREAK ON ME.” In this Swedish-inspired story of young love, Osama and his girlfriend (Ashley Tinsdale, from “High School Musical”) become trapped in a two-dimensional comic book world. As time winds down, their only escape is to destroy the White House.

“ALLAH’S SLEDGEHAMMER.” A nonstop sequence of claymation, in which Osama’s beard changes from fruits to vegetables to grenades, before exploding in a fireball. CIA analysts say that when he sings, “Show me ‘round your fruit cage, and I will be your honey bee,” it refers to terror cells currently in the United States.

“GRIDS ON FILM.” From its opening, with two negligee-clad models pillow-fighting around a whipped cream-covered stripper pole, Osama leads us on a leash through his private world of cave man fetishes. We meet a man-horse, iced nipples and many female mud-wrestlers. If this is his coded call for the big attack, get to the cellar now!

“ADDICTED TO SHOVE.” Backed by a band of mini-skirted robotic models, barely plucking their musical props, bin Laden comes off as Mr. Cool Incarnate, staring into the camera lens and delivering each line with a fierce, white hot intensity. Yes, we infidels must die. But do our hearts really have to sweat?

“OK, BLOW!” Osama and three lieutenants perform an outrageous treadmill choreography: They “skate,” they “swim,” they launch imaginary mortars. In the closing sequence, as the World Trade Center collapses, you’ll watch in amazement and wonder, “How did they do that in those robes!”

“BLOODY HOLLY.” Weaving his call for jihad into footage from the 1980s hit TV show “Happy Days,” bin Laden takes viewers on an angry tour of America’s past. The highlight comes as Henry “the Fonz” Winkler, through deft editing, bombs Arnold’s Diner into ashes, prompting the greased-back bin Laden to yell, “He-e-e-y, that’s jumping the shark!”

“LIKE A 40TH VIRGIN.” Stripped naked and toned, Osama spends the full four minutes writhing sensuously and letting the camera explore his mythic White Negro religious fantasies. He’s never “bin” hotter.

No. 5: Karl Rove... i'm not there.

THE KING IS DELIGHTED

The king is delighted.
Rove's not indicted!
Go tell the queen.
They found Karl clean!

The king is elated.
Somehow, Rove skated!
Go tell the speaker.
Karl's not the leaker!

The king is in clover.
Rove put one over!
Party tomorrow.
They didn't nab Karl!

The king’s in a flurry.
Rove fooled the jury!
Break out the ale.
Karl's skipping jail!

Feel the excitement.
No Rove indictment!
Everyone, sing.
Karl's still our king!

No. 6: Larry Craig... four corner stall

When pooping next to Larry Craig
Beware his outstretched, hairy leg.
You’d best assume a new position,
When he taps on your stall partition.

When pleading next to Larry Craig,
Ignore the outcome he might beg.
He might assume a new position,
And call your court an inquisition.

When running next to Larry Craig,
Forgive him if he lays an egg.
When he assumes a new position,
It’s just the GOP tradition.

LARRY CRAIG'S YEAR IN GOOGLE SEARCH VOLUME

No. 7: Bill O'Reilly... mild mannered reporter

FOX NEWS SPOKEN HERE

O'Reilly on the speakers,
Nixon souvenir,
Clintons on the dart board,
Fox News spoken here.

O'Reilly on the mantle,
White House logo gear,
Clintons on the toilet roll,
Fox News spoken here.

O'Reilly in the bookcase,
Cheney portrait near,
Clintons in the crosshairs.
Fox News spoken here.

Fox News on the TV.
Fox News on all year.
Fox News on around the clock.
Fox News spoken here.

Bill O'Reilly's year in Google searches.

No. 8: Alberto Gonzales... redacted

AL GONZALES SOUGHT A PACT

Al Gonzales sought a pact,
To keep detainee rules intact,
So he wrote with stately tact,
The “Happy Muslim Prisoner Act.”

He also wanted to transform
How undercover cops perform,
Where privacy is less the norm,
With “Happy Tapping Phones Reform.”

He sought to save their weary nation,
With “Enduring Freedom’s” operation,
So he put forth a new creation:
The “Happy War Rights Legislation.”

In fighting for a higher purpose,
He dismantled habeas corpus,
Thus wrote without internal rumpus
The “Happy Secret Trials Opus.”

He sought to do the best for all.
And keep his party standing tall,
The rest he’d lock behind a wall
With the “Happy War Forever Law.”

No. 9: Rush Limbaugh... babel

A RUSH BY ANY OTHER NAME *

'EL RUSHBO,' our nation’s great 'TRUTH DETECTOR,'
'THE MAHA RUSHIE,' our true fact collector,
'THE DOCTOR OF DEMOCRACY,' patriot squad,
Bequeathed to his Dittoheads 'TALENT FROM GOD.'

He said, “I have brought some new names for our friends,
“We will call Patrick Leahey 'SENATOR DEPENDS.'
“And there's, 'BELA PELOSI... MS. AMERICA, QUEEN BEE...'
“John Edwards, 'THE BRECK GIRL,' as seen on TV.

“There's 'OSAMA OBAMA;' Harry Reid’s 'DINGY HARRY,'
“And 'THE FRENCHURIAN CANDIDATE,' our 'JEAN-FRANCOIS KERRY,'
“'SANDY BURGLAR,' 'SHEETS BYRD' and 'MAUREEN AL-DOWD,
“And 'DAN BLATHER,' of the 'BLAME AMERICA CROWD.'

“And 'MRS. BILL CLINTON,' I haven’t forgotten,
“She's 'NURSE RATCHED,' or just 'HILLARY RODHAM-ROTTEN,'
“With husband 'SLICK WILLIE,' our 'PHILANDERER-IN-CHIEF,'
“Plus 'DUNG HEAP HARKIN!' We’ll give them such grief.

“In every exchange, use those names in rebukes,
“We’ll beat the FEMNAZIS, the WACKOS and KOOKS.”
Then through the cheers, from a source not in view,
Came a voice, “What if somebody gives nicknames to you you?”

“’'THREE-WIFE,' 'MR. AMERICA,' or maybe 'LEFT EAR,'
“'RUSH al-IMONY' or 'TRIPLEWIDE REAR.'
“'OSAMA LIMBAMA,' or 'OXYCON-TRAILS,'
“'RUSH HUDSON RICH-SON,' or 'MRS. ROGER AILES.'

“'DUNG HEAP LIMBAUGH!' Would that make sense?
“If we seek to make honest discussion commence?
“’Cause names are like guns on a firing squad,
“And what if they fired on Talent from God?”

The crowd went quiet, El Rushbo grew red.
“We’ll have more tomorrow,” the talk show host said.
And as both sides named names, instead of debate,
Could anyone ponder our ultimate fate?

*Names Rush has used on his shows.

10: O.J. Simpson....mister pink

IF I DID IT

If I did it, I’d commit it,
So the crime would leave no mess.
If I did it, I’d exhibit
Some compulsion to confess.

If I did it, I would pitch it
As a graphic, gory book,
If I did it, I’d revisit
Every slash my weapon took.

If I did it, I’d submit it,
Knowing all the guilt I’d feel,
If I did it, I would bid it
As a seven-figure deal.

If I did it, I would hit it:
How a killer sells his wares.
If I did it, I’d admit it,
Spill my guts, as I did theirs.

If I did it, which I didn’t!
I would carefully have planned it,
But if I DID do it, and you knew it,
Which of us, then, is the bandit?